I don’t think know if I rear-ended someone’s car today – I’m not sure because I’ve never done. I heard no bump and sounds; the person didn’t stop the car or walk out, and I saw no paint on the car but somehow deep inside me I have butterflies in my stomach. It’s not the type where you fall in love, it’s the worries and how it shocks myself. Sigh. What’s wrong with me lately? I’m having troubles sleeping. Is this stress? I am relaxing but it does seem to be helping my situation. Tomorrow, I may make a fool out of myself but I have nothing to lose, therefore various people have advised me to take any chances. But its seems like a lot of work and disapointment in the conclusion. Scared, nervous and not myself. Sad.
Currently
My eye is a better; but my brain and emotions are both fried to the ground the past two days. I understand that we all learn lessons and that some situations are bound to occur. But the consequences are very harsh. Suddenly, I felt as if I am alone on a boat and I wanted to be cry out several times the past 2 days. I have not had this feeling for the longest time. I calmed myself down several times knowing that it’s temporarily but truthfully this is reality. However, at the same time, several friends out of the blue emailed/called this
week to check up on me that really made it better. Every little bit counts. But I’m not giving up – I had enough lectures the past week that it’s stuck in my head.
Plans
Plans never go according to schedule because I realize I always plan activities that at the end; I cannot attend. At least, I’m making it happen. I feel good overall. And, sorry for backing out, I was not aware that it would create a pattern.
Thoughts
The mind cannot wander at all because facts and situation have answered the question.
Note to self – stay calm. Don’t do or say anything out of the blue, or the consequences will be even darker.
It’s September 1. Recently, I’ve been under a dark cloud. I cannot really complain because I had some good friends that called and emailed out of no where because of my incident. It shows that people do care and it’s warm to the heart. In addition, to all the lectures I’ve received lately it makes me feel very dumb and inexperienced in life. I was watching a show, and the reason people around lecture us is because they do care and want us to learn. If I don’t start caring for myself; it’ll disappoint everyone around me. Secondly, a lot of situations would not have happened if did not let the communication fall like that. I really need to work on that communication gap despite being clueless. To end, I started some submissions and who knows where the road takes me?
Lame, lame, and lame. That’s the perfect word to match the current. First, island tasks are so lame – to the point I’m thinking this is really not me. This is really going to be a tough year. I’m stubborn yet I don’t know how long I can last – the road is pretty open and at this point – I’m not sure what to do. Whatever it is – it’s might be a huge surprise to everyone including myself. I’ve got myself into the hospital again – after I mentioned how much I dislike the jail home. But, this time, I don’t even know how it happened even after doctors asked me. It’s not a big event – I’m alive, I’m walking and I need to rest. It will destroy more plans – but there is a reason for everything so I have no control. But I know what’s priority – work and health. If I don’t have a job, I can’t have fun. If I don’t have the health – I can’t work and I can’t have fun. Family and true friends will understand – I hope. At the end, I want to have fun – so in order to have unlimited fun – I need to get better physically, emotionally and psychologically.
Out of the blue was the last topic, and hence I continue with stating I’m not sure how, when, and where. A lot of unexpected and it’s a surprise to myself. But having that smile deep inside every now and then really makes one stronger. Even if a smile doesn’t last long – or ends in a lecture or debate – it’s a push – and present at one point. With my stubborn personality, to think of it, it will usually be a debate. But, facts advise me that looking away may be the best solution. As I mentioned, we cannot have it all in life and that’s words from the heart.
Current Song: Justin Bieber – Stuck In The Moment
Earlier on the day, a good friend approached me today saying very sweet words that really cheers up anyone’s day. Yet at the same time, another dear friend said words that heart deep down however all I am able to do is smile, explain my reasons for actions and let it flow in that direction. It is the truth, I do accept but I am bothered if it’s mentioned more than a few times because that’s me.
Who knew at night – I would get lectured directly in the face with honest words. In simple words – it was a push. Cold. But needed as I know I am dropping below the line again but letting myself go like that – what a good timing. I need days to digest. Really do. Unexpected. Honestly – I’m speechless…………
What is right? What is wrong? I do not know but it is sad that not all life is controllable. I wish it was…….. and not all is ever perfect. How come it’s always has to be this way?
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